Relationships The Word 7 minute read

The #1 Trait That You Should Look for In a Man


Some little girls start dreaming about their ideal mate as early and as soon as they start playing with dolls and being read books about various “fairytale Prince Charmings.”


By high school many young ladies have started to compile an exhaustive list of the traits that they want their ideal guy to have. If you surf the net, you will find several women’s lists posted online:


green eyes .. hazel brownish hair colors , its slightly curled .. sexy red luscious lips .. close to 5″10 or above .. with the most dashing killer smile .. if possible .. with dimples .. in addition a manly mustache .. 😉 must be Italian .. & qualities .. witty .. great sense of humour .. cheeky .. intelligent .. great potential in doing anything .. great determination .. don’t forget crazy ! very spontaneous ! i can go on A man who is both smart AND sexy at the same time, but without being totally self-absorbed about it. Instead, he would be a thoughtful & decent human being, but without being a total doormat or anybody’s “wimp. 
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover.
not too skinny, not too big, not too muscular.
•should dress in style.
• Should take care of himself but not a la metrosexuals.
• Tattoos and piercings are ok
• University/college education
• Well read
• Should have a job, but should not be a workaholic
• Income doesn’t have to be big
• Not a teetotaler but also not an alcoholic.
• Loves partying sometimes.
• Loves to spend some quality time at home as well.
• No mommas boy
• Loves animals.
• Appreciates volunteer work
• Interest in politics
• Good-natured
• Romantic but not too much
• Not conservative
• Masculine
• Brave
• Adventurous
• True and committed 


I’ve also seen some people have fun with the ideal man concept on Facebook. Several people have posted a fun exercise where you are given a set amount of money to build your ideal man.


Ladies you have $6.00 dollars and not a penny more to build your ideal man. Which characteristics do you choose?

  1. Short, non-athletic, faithful, hardworking, ok in bed $3.00
    2. Faithful $2.00
    3. Hardworking $4.00
    4. Good in bed $3.50
    5. Good career $2.50
    6. Spiritual $2.00
    7. No children $2.00
    8. Muscular, good looking $2.50
    9. Well read & funny $4.00
    10. Ok in bed $1.00
    11. Physically your perfect man $5.00
    12. Mentally your perfect man $5.00

Most respondents to these exercises always first exclaim, “ $6.00 is not enough to build our ideal man.”


We women create the list of what our ideal man must have early, but then, once we get out in the dating world, we start developing the list of what our ideal man CAN’T have. These “CAN’Ts” are usually shared with a couple of friends, accompanied by a good story, over several bottles of wine.


“Girl, I just CAN’T mess with a man with bad credit.   This fool took me to Red Lobster. Don’t you know his card was declined and I had to pay for the meal.”

“His thing was so small it kept slipping out. I CAN’T do a man with a super small penis. I’m sorry.”

 “Can you believe he brought his momma on our Valentine’s Day date? I CAN’T do anymore momma’s boys.”

“His baby’s momma broke 3 of my car windows and I only went out with this dude twice. Girl, I just CAN’T.”


So, is there any wonder that there are so many women who are extremely unsatisfied with their dating situations? How many times have I heard one of my girls say, “Girl, ain’t shit out here in this single world.” But when you think about it this way– it is difficult, actually impossible, to find someone who is going to satisfy 50 or even 25 qualifications defined by women. When a woman stubbornly tells me that they refuse to “settle” (and by “settle” they mean veer away from their list) I want to tell them “that you will then most certainly will be single.”


What’s also interesting to me is how upset women get when a “list” philosophy is applied to them. Just for fun one night, try saying to one of your single girlfriends, “you and my cousin would be so perfect together, but he only dates girls who are between 5’5“ and 5’7” and doesn’t date women who own a cat.”



Additionally, what I’ve discovered is that when a woman distills her list; she oftentimes (sometimes unconsciously) will select characteristics that do not match her relationship objectives. For instance, I have a friend who won’t date a man under 6’. She will accommodate jerks, guys who don’t work, guys who already have a girlfriend, but won’t date a short guy. Then she complains that she can’t find a good man to marry. I think that she may want to reconsider what characteristics in her ideal man are principal.


Quite frankly, I believe that If you want a good man and a long-lasting relationship, your man only needs to have one essential trait: He must be absolutely, crazy about you.


That’s it. I know . . . I know. That is now exactly what some of you want to hear, but I need you to hear me out. This is the deal–


That fine brotha that you have been digging for a while is only going to make your life miserable if he only “kinda” likes you.

That dude who has Lebron-like skills in the bed, but only calls you every now and then isn’t suddenly going to make you his woman.

That guy that you have been dating for years, but he won’t commit, probably isn’t going to have an “a-ha moment.” Guys know “the one” quickly.

The man who you treat like gold appreciated everything you do for him; he just doesn’t appreciate you.


This is the sad reality: you can’t screw, cook, sweet talk, beg, have babies for, buy, house, wear down, or better yourself, to make a man love you. You know I ain’t lyin’.


BUT, and this is important—a man who is absolutely, madly in love with you will do everything in his power to become your ideal man. True, a man can’t change his height; but, he can treat you so well that height becomes insignificant or he begins to look tall in your eyes. A poor man who is in love with his woman will work his butt off to become wealthy; an overweight man will work hard to get in shape; an uneducated man will go back to school; a poor lover will listen to what you like and eagerly practice. The point is: a man in love will move mountains to please his lady.


A woman in love with a man who doesn’t love her, suffers. A woman who is loved by a man, blossoms. We’ve all witnessed both. In time, you will fall out of love with a man who treats you like shit—the most handsome man’s breath will start to stink when you realize that for the 5th time he’s been at someone else’s house. But a man who adores you, just starts to look better, makes you laugh more, hell, somehow he even seems taller after time. Being loved right can do that.


Perhaps he will never be your best lover, or the richest guy, or make you laugh the same way your last guy did, but as a whole, I promise you that he will be the best man you ever had because he wants YOU.


After all, when you think back to all of the fairytales, romantic comedies, romance novels, etc. that started you on making these exhaustive lists for your ideal man the leading man ALWAYS, without fail, WANTED and DESIRED the leading lady. He ran in the rain, jumped off planes, cried, wrote songs, took tremendous risks at some point because he was absolutely crazy in love with that woman. And THAT is what every woman deserves.



My intention is for Black people to love themselves and each other. It sounds somewhat silly, I guess; but oftentimes my people are overwhelmed with negative images, bad news, and stereotyped characters about us. I’d like to flip that script. I’d like to remind us, as often as I can, how incredible we are. Read more


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