Musings Pop Culture The Tea The Word 5 minute read

No Bitchassness


Sometime ago on Making the Band, a short-lived MTV show, (P Diddy — who may have been Puff Daddy at the time) coined the term Bitchassness. I was instantly delighted by this word.  You know how you are searching for the perfect word–the word that says exactly what you have been feeling or experiencing?  Sometimes it’s at the tip of your tongue and sometimes you realize the word has yet to be created.  And along comes Diddy with “Bitchassness.”  My girlfriends and I had been talking about Bitchass behavior for years, but didn’t have the word.  Bitchassness perfectly and succinctly encapsulated what my girlfriends and I had been complaining about.


*Note: I’m about to be completely politically incorrect. If you can dig it—cool. If not, you have two options: 1) stop reading now; or, 2) share your viewpoint in the comments section below (I actually love hearing others’ points of views).


There are some things that, in most women’s views (or at least 90% of those I have talked to), a man can do that will totally turn them off. These behaviors –bitchassness – are so egregious in our view that they are valid grounds to end relationships.

Here are the “Top 6 Bitchassness Traits”:


  1. You are picky with your food.


“Girl you should have seen this fool!  We were at the basketball game and this fool walked up to the concession stand and asked if they had gluten free hamburger buns, and then proceeded to ask if the burger meat was grass-fed and organic.  Really?  The woman behind the counter rolled her eyes, threw a corn dog and some fries in one of those red baskets, slid it to him and walked away.  I didn’t blame her.”

“Can you believe he sent his food back three times.  Really, dude?!”

It’s not fair; but, this is what we expect:

Us: “I’ll have the Salmon (as long as it’s Norwegian, caught wild) cooked medium rare, hold the butter, and if you can ask the chef to please grill it and leave off the salt.  I’d like to switch the mashed potatoes for the quinoa, and can you please ask the chef if it’s actually broccoli or brocollini?”

You men: “I’ll take the burger.”


  1. You whine or complain.

Blame it on Disney. We expect you to be invincible–to rarely complain or whine.  We complain and whine.  We come home from work and complain to you about that trifling woman in the next office or our boss; or from the manicurist and complain about the prices.  We complain about our friends and our enemies.  Wine and whine are our things–not yours.

For instance, you can say it’s cold once; but we don’t expect you to whine about it over and over again.  Just give us your coat (cause you know we dress appropriately for the event, not the weather—and act as if your ear wax hasn’t turned to icicles).  Wearing your coat, we will whine as we walk from the event to the car about how cold it is–and how our feet hurt now that we have to walk to the car in our high heels.


  1. ANY and ALL temper tantrum-like behavior (slamming doors, hanging up in someone’s ear, etc.)

My friends and I have had some of the best laughs over dudes who have hung up the phone mid-conversation.  That is just a woman-Dynasty-esque move. Just don’t do it.  We can act overly emotional, slam doors, hang up, throw the cat across the room (just kidding), but we expect you to hold it together.


  1. Man-selfies

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There are some rules with men and selfies. 1. Limit them.  We women don’t expect to see a bunch of manfies.  We don’t expect you to be nor do we want you to be as vain as we are.  2. If a man must take a selfie, if possible, there should be someone else in the picture (a woman, a kid, or a group of guys).  3. After three selfies per year, you have crossed out of Bitchassness into something worse.


  1. Having your feelings hurt easily


We women can talk several hours about a two-second interaction (“You should have seeeeen the way she looked at me…”).  We don’t expect you to do the same.  Yes, we want you to be sensitive, but not fragile.  And if I’m being honest, we really just want you to be sensitive to us and our shit—not your own stuff.  


  1. Throwing shade

Okay—this one is important.  You can’t roll your eyes or not speak to someone cause they dogged you; or throw shade or “read” a person.  We can. You can’t. If you have a problem with another dude, have a beer, grunt and forgive.  Leave the cattiness to us.  We got this.



For the most part, bitchassness is the worst of female behavior. It is behavior that probably even we shouldn’t get away with.  But trust me fellas, you definitely can not.



My intention is for Black people to love themselves and each other. It sounds somewhat silly, I guess; but oftentimes my people are overwhelmed with negative images, bad news, and stereotyped characters about us. I’d like to flip that script. I’d like to remind us, as often as I can, how incredible we are. Read more


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