I have a quite a few friends who are single, who don’t want to be (I also know just as many who are happily single). When you are married, they tell you that both partners must take responsibility for our failures, fights and divorces. To be fair, I submit that many single folk take responsibility too. However, I have noticed that at least half of my single friends take no responsibility for their inability to find a good partner: they blame only the crop, and never the farmer. In some cases, they are right. There are some nuts out there for sure – but that’s not always the case. Between me and you, I think that there are two major reasons that most single people are single.
Reason #1 You Are Looking For Someone Who Doesn’t Exist
I often hear single people say, “I won’t settle.” Okay, there is no easy way to say this, but here is the dirty truth that no one will tell you: We all settled! What makes YOU so special?!
Okay, look, that’s not to say we don’t love our mates or think that they that aren’t the perfect partners for us; but trust me they are missing some of the things that were on our original “perfect person” checklists. There is a woman or two who is married to a guy who is 5’9″ when her dream guy was 6’3”; or one who is the primary breadwinner in her family who dreamt of marrying a millionaire. But . . . she fell in love and according to your terms, “she settled.” Honestly, that perfect dude that you are looking for doesn’t exist (cause we aren’t perfect either — your dude may have wanted double D’s and is “settling” for your B’s).
If you want to be in a relationship, you will settle–technically. This is real life, boo, not a Lifetime movie. On the positive note, you will fall in love and your dude won’t be perfect, but he will be perfect for you.
Reason #2 You are Dating or Trying to Date Out of Your League
This is a tough one to hear and to accept. None of your friends will tell you the truth, but they think it. Some of you are simply dating out of your league; driving outside your lane; shopping out of your price range. If you have a high school diploma, you don’t apply for a surgeon’s position. Take an honest assessment of yourself—your strengths and your weaknesses – and let that guide some of the fishing decisions that you make. Let me provide you with an example. I have a “chubby” male friend, who I have tried to hook-up with multiple curvy women to only have him turn them down because he likes women with Victoria Secret type bodies. All the while, he is on the verge of needing a Victoria’s Secret bra for his man boobs. But, to be fair, some of these full-figured women that I have tried to hook him up with have also rejected him because he isn’t in the best shape. All of them stay single, chubby, and discriminatory against dating chubby people.
Similarly, I have friends who most would consider “average” or slightly above average in looks — but are only interested in the finest male or female in club. I don’t know if it’s the new age of videos and social media, but it seems that a lot of men are expecting women to look like Beyonce (and baby, that only works for a guy with a face like Jay-Z, when you have a bank account like Jay-Z).
I must also mention the people who have a decent, but average income job, but who will only date a “baller.” I have seriously had friends who work for the government turn down a date with someone because “he just a teacher.” Huh?
Don’t feel entitled to a characteristic from someone that you aren’t offering yourself. If a person has spent many hours working to obtain something, that’s probably what they value. You should expect that they will value it in you too.
Be real with yourself so that you can find your real true, realistic love – and then your fairytale can begin.
My intention is for Black people to love themselves and each other. It sounds somewhat silly, I guess; but oftentimes my people are overwhelmed with negative images, bad news, and stereotyped characters about us. I’d like to flip that script. I’d like to remind us, as often as I can, how incredible we are. Read more