Nonfiction Relationships The Word 4 minute read

Sexless:  Does It Make Sense for Single Women to Stop Having Sex?


Born again virginity, Vows of Celibacy, Pooty-tang Pauses: different name, same concept. Many of my single girlfriends have given up sex at one time or another for various reasons:

  • Someone hurt them terribly
  • They think holding out will let them know if a man is truly interested in them (a la Steve Harvey’s book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man).
  • They are in a long-term relationship and want the man to commit (cut off the milk, so that he will finally buy the cow).
  • They want to spend some time just getting to know and better themselves.


Damn, I hate to put myself out there like this, but I just don’t get it.  I mean I get it in theory.  I understand the theory of giving up on something when it isn’t giving you the results that you want.  I just don’t get it when people REALLY stick to their exasperated, “I’m giving up sex,” assertion.

One, going without sex just seems like adding insult injury.  You didn’t get love from a certain guy that you wanted and now you are going to punish yourself and not get sex too?  Don’t you need something to help you heal from your broken heart besides ice cream and pizza?  Nothing like a good orgasm to convince you that life, indeed, goes on.

I agree with Steve Harvey:  you should wait to know if a man is truly interested in you before you have sex.  However, I don’t think that this process takes 3 months.  There is a big difference between meeting a man at the club and sleeping with him that night; and sleeping with a man after he has consistently called you and regularly spent time with you.  Sex, also is a big part of relationships.  If there isn’t sexual chemistry, most people do not want to continue dating. Frankly, when I was dating, if a man had made me wait 3 months before we had sex, I would’ve lost interest.

More importantly, I think that it is huge mistake to use sex as a tool, or a bargaining chip.  Sadly, like my good friend always says, “Coochie is a penny-stock.  Back in the day, men had to work hard to score.  Now, they don’t even need to buy a chick a Happy Meal or send a text – as the opportunities for sex are so plentiful.  So, using sex as a bargaining tool may backfire. Also, when a woman uses sex as a tool; it indicates that sex is something that she is giving to someone instead of sharing with someone.  If you want the truth, I think that most men would prefer a long-term relationship with woman who genuinely enjoys sex instead of one who just tolerates it or does it for them.

I can appreciate people taking a break from sex to “be quiet” with themselves, if they need that.  Only you can decide what you need to be your best, authentic, whole self.  I just encourage women not to hide behind this reason — if the real reason is fear: fear of being hurt, again.  We all have had sex with people and the relationship didn’t turn out to be A Happy Ever After.  We don’t find that “right one” immediately; but it doesn’t mean that the relationship wasn’t right just because it wasn’t permanent.  I don’t regret any of the sexual relationships I have had.  I enjoyed them then and am wiser now.  Live as if finding a forever true love is certainty, not an improbability.  We get what we believe and act upon.

Sex is a natural, and should be something that you desire to share with someone if you feel that there is a genuine appreciation and respect between you and the other person.  Sex isn’t bad; it isn’t a tool or a bargaining chip.  You shouldn’t use it to “get” a man (trust me that will not work).  It is about you, should be for you, and the decision to have it or not should solely be yours.



My intention is for Black people to love themselves and each other. It sounds somewhat silly, I guess; but oftentimes my people are overwhelmed with negative images, bad news, and stereotyped characters about us. I’d like to flip that script. I’d like to remind us, as often as I can, how incredible we are. Read more


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