Relationships The Word 4 minute read

Mary to Marry A Black Guy: And The Truth of Why Some Black Women Will Be Upset


Generally, I appreciate getting told off because of two things: 1.) It tells me that I pissed you off which means I said SOMETHING.  All writers want to say something—to hit a nerve.  2.)  I usually learn something.  While I write with a lot of passion (or so I’m told); I’m not steadfast about most things.  I am out here in this world winging it.  My opinions change with my mood, hormones, weather, and so on.  Just because I’ve written a thought down for the world to see and with permanence—doesn’t mean that it’s a permanent thought that I really want the world to see and judge me on forever (but I do it anyway).

So now that I’ve prepped you, let’s talk about this Black men dating White women thang (we won’t even bullshit and say “interracial dating” because the Black women dating White men situation isn’t nearly as prevalent).  All of us are down with love.  We are fucking obsessed with love.  We (and I mean the all-encompassing—everybody in the world, “we)” spend millions of dollars on romantic comedies, romantic novels, romancing people, and getting therapy after failed romances.  What we (and by this “we” I mean Black women) have an issue with is shit being un-fucking-fair.

My girlfriend, who happens to be White, says to me the other day, “I think that Mary will end up marrying a Black guy.”  We went on to discuss why and blah, blah, blah.  But this is the nut of the situation.  If Mary wants to marry a Black guy, she probably can.  It never crossed my friend’s mind or mine that this prediction would be an issue.  Regardless of how Mary turns out: if she drops out of high school, gains 250 pounds, get strung out on meth, etc. there aren’t many people who would argue whether Mary could marry a Black man, should she so desire. Indeed, she could probably marry a Black man that most Black woman would consider a catch.

Let’s contrast, shall we?  There is no Black mother who would confidently say, “I think Sally will probably marry a White man.”  She could say that her daughter would prefer to marry a White man, is attracted to White men, identifies more with White men, etc.; but would not assume that her daughter marrying a White man is more than a small possibility and certainly not a probability regardless of how beautiful, intelligent and kind her daughter is.

That’s somewhat fucked up.  No?

Moreover:  what other race must question if the men in their race even will date them?  Most Black girls have had to ask the question about a Black guy: does he date Sistas?  Where else can you see that—except with a race that has been so screwed up mentally by 400 years of slavery that we think that anything outside of us is better.  Black men have been told so many times, in so many mediums that White is superior that some consciously or unconsciously marry White—the best that they can get.  They’ve been advertised to since birth. They want the Mercedes, and think it’s the best ride, because everything they have seen since birth has told him so (not even considering a Bentley, BMW, or Porsche).

That’s somewhat fucked up.  No?

So, stop hiding under umbrella, Hallmark statements – like love is love—to hide some real, deep-seeded issues in the Black race.  Some people—lots have people—have found true, beautiful love outside of their race.  99% of Black women would throw confetti at their engagement party.  Rather we are pissed off, hurt, and have decided to dismiss (which is a reaction in itself) just those who have never considered us, who have dismissed us, and then who have generalized us to excuse their own racial hatred.

Feeling like you have no chance to be considered — by the very ones that you have always considered — hurts and doesn’t seem quite fair.




My intention is for Black people to love themselves and each other. It sounds somewhat silly, I guess; but oftentimes my people are overwhelmed with negative images, bad news, and stereotyped characters about us. I’d like to flip that script. I’d like to remind us, as often as I can, how incredible we are. Read more


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