Drunk Aunt Randi Lifestyle Pop Culture The Word 6 minute read

A Message To My Young Divas From Your Drunk Auntie


It’s 2 hours after the New Year, which means that this is my first tipsy post (yes, I am blogging while intoxicated).  I’m sorry, but not really (if a girl can’t sip at the end of the year—when can she?).  I’m just coming in from an awesome party and feel compelled to say a few things after leaving.

Young girls — many of you are boring.  I am saying this with the love of your drunk auntie.  I like to dance.  I don’t know what happened but the same miserable person who created the rule that we women over 40 or who are mothers aren’t allowed to feel or be sexy also created another BS rule that we aren’t supposed to like to dance except with 60-year-old uncoordinated, legging-wearing  women at our local Zumba class.  So I love when days like New Year’s, Black college Homecomings and milestone birthdays occur because we old broads get a pass to drink and dance.

I will admit; I also party on off days (I tell you that so you know I  am qualified to speak on this subject).  And I am truly concerned by what I have observed.  As in the party I just left, older women are mopping the dance floor as the younger women, stay seated or leaning on the wall. Many young girls sit, sip and saunter but don’t dance. I don’t know if it’s because you think your are too cute, too sophisticated or too smart; but as your adopted auntie, I must provide you with some guidance.  Please attend to the following:

  1. You Ain’t Beyonce 

I love Beyonce.  You love Beyonce.  We ain’t Beyonce.  You may have hair like her (grown or purchased — I respect both).  You may have a body like her (same as the hair); but you ain’t a star.  STOOOOOP.  No really — you guys look beautiful, but stop walking into clubs and sitting at clubs as if you have won a Grammy, or just got out of a Bentley, or are married to Jay-Z.  I know you saw the video and were inspired; but you sitting there rolling your eyes, flinging your hair in your Forever21 outfit is just a bad look.  You haven’t accomplished shit yet to earn that attitude – no — and don’t send me your receipts – you haven’t.

  1. There Are Many Beautiful Women In this World

I’m not saying that you aren’t beautiful; you probably are.  But, this is the thing: there are a lot of beautiful women in the world.  My aunt used to tell me: there is always another beautiful woman around the corner.  So stop with the airs and have some fun.

  1. Pretty girls can dance.  “I’m so pretty and special that I can’t even dance-thing” is stupid.  Stooooop!
  2. Pretty Ain’t a Man’s Real Kryptonite

I’m old enough to say assuredly that a man will pick the fun girl over the pretty girl.  He will spend time with the person who makes him feel joyful and free.  I always hear women talk about a guy who cheated with a girl “who wasn’t even as cute as I am” or “doesn’t have as much education as I do” “or doesn’t make as much money as I make”.  News flash:  those things are great bonuses; but if your ass is boring—no amount of education, money or looks will keep him intrigued. There is not enough pretty to compensate for boring.

  1. Men are Shallow and Not Particularly Detail Oriented About Many Things

I have degrees (I write these articles quickly, so don’t let my grammar and punctuation mistakes fool you).  I’m a documented nerd / achiever; but I don’t think one man was drawn to me or stayed with me because of any initials behind my name.  Do I think they appreciate my intelligence—absolutely.  BUT consider that most men — irrespective of educational level — enjoy watching other men in costumes (or, uniforms) play with a football or basketball more that the two part documentary on unrest in the Middle East.  Why?  Because it is more fun.  Those same men will remember a woman who danced with him / around him/ by him all night over the woman who could talk for hours about the national debt.  *Understand, I already know I am going to get at least 30 inboxes from men saying that they are sapio-sexuals and only must be with intelligent women; are insulted by what I’ve said; and so on.  They are lying (half believe their bullshit though). Seriously, most men love intelligent women; but they love fun / happy women more. The wonderful thing is that most of us are both. You can be well-read, well-educated, religious and sophisticated and still know the words to every Drake song, whine like Rihanna, and curse like Cardi B.

  1.  No one Cares!

No one will remember your blue eyeliner or your fly shoes two years from now, but they will remember that you were fun.  And more importantly, you will remember how much fun that you had.  Create real memories instead of recording/capturing fake moments.  Take your fly pics, Baby; but spend most of your time truly enjoying yourself. Dance with the dude who isn’t your type (cause the one who is may be watching and even if not, you will have more fun than just sitting there). Dance (even if you aren’t a great dancer) until your hair becomes frizzy, your makeup bleeds a bit.  Dance until you have to take those fly heels off.   You will be the belle of the ball – I promise—even if you ain’t the prettiest one there at the end of the night because you were joyful—and that ish is contagious.  Folks CRAVE a feeling, not a look.

Dance! Live! Be Joyful! Be You! You will make yourself happy (and will make others happy in return).

Happy New Year!


Your Drunk Aunt Randi

*I’m being purposely silly in much of this article; but in all seriousness, have fun my beautiful, young Sisters.






Drunk Aunt Randi

Aunt Randi’s hobbies are talking shit and drinking wine—preferably at the same time.


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