Drunk Aunt Randi 5 minute read

Aunt Randi Talks Birthday Donations


I’m one of dem people, who ain’t answering the doorbell if you didn’t tell me you was comin’ by.  It’s just rude in my opinion to roll up on folks with no warnin’.  No tellin what I’m doin.  I may be watchin one of dem “Real Housewives” shows I talk down about when I’m with my bougified friends, or I may have my night bonnet on or my brassiere off.  I ain’t gonna lie, I may be having me my favorite mid-day snack: red wine and white cheddar Cheez-its.  I may not have felt like vacuuming that day or the day before or the day before that; and you know Black folks are quick to call ya dirty.  No sir-ree – if you come to my house, I likes a warning, so I can gussie-up me and my abode.  My occasional -triflingness ain’t nobody’s business but mine.

But, the main reason I don’t answer my doorbell if I ain’t expectin nobody is because “uninvited” folks are usually also “askin-fo-somethin” folks.  After takin care of so many folks all my life, I don’t want nobody askin me for a damn thang unless they are askin me if they can do something for me (like, “do you want fries with that?”, “can I get you a smaller size,” or “what color do you want for your toenails?”).  That’s why Facebook has me so annoyed these days.

I get on Facebook to relax for the most part.  I can spy  on my family, laugh at a few videos, “amen” some good memes, shake my head at folks who tell all they business on social media, while I drink my wine and eat my Cheez-Its.  But now, I’ve gots to deal with folks askin me for money.  Every day, there is at least one of my “friends” asking me to give to a charity for their birthday gift.

First of all, I probably ain’t seen the person in 20 years, barely know who they are, and may not have liked them that much in the first place.  Second, I probably had not intended to or want to give “whatever-her-name-is” a gift for her birthday anyway.  Me and my friends are old.  We don’t give each other gifts.  Our gift is just being alive with half of our senses left.  On the rare occasion I do buy someone a gift; giving to a charity ain’t gonna be it.  I like going to the store and actually picking out somethin I think the person would really like.  I promise you, any gift I pick out, you’ll like more than that $200 you raised for the disabled ostriches of Kenya.

And why when one person does somethin, the rest of ya’ll gotta follow like a stray cats to a fish truck? I know maybe 1 or 2 of ya’ll is the charitable type of folks, but some of ya’ll are the type of folks who bust out with the calculator when it’s time to pay the bill, argues over who got the salad, and then is real chincey with the tip.

And ain’t raising money for causes usually something folks with money do?  I ain’t trying to be mean but some of ya’ll need to be raisin’ money for yourselves (you sittin up on fB frontin’ like you really care about the arts when you can’t even get buy art supplies for your kids).

And ya’ll know you ain’t donating your birthdays to no charity.  You still expect folks to celebrate your birthday.  You are still going to expect folks to take you out to dinner, buy you drinks, and what not; so let’s not pretend that you are donating a daggone thing.  We are the only fools donating.

And how much money ya’ll think folks have?  I’ve got 10 people per week asking me give.  Damn, I ain’t got that much money to give away if I wanted to.  So how does a person choose?  Which half-stranger should I give my money to?  I’ve been thinking of changing my cover photo to this:

If I’m honest, though, I feel kinda bad every time I scroll past someone askin’ for donations.  I wonder if folks are noticing and thinkin’ I’m cheap or don’t have a charitable heart.  The entire thing is emotionally manipulative.  Like I said, I used to get on FB to relax and get a good laugh or a good word.  Now, I leave it feeling guilty –just like I do when I leave uninvited folks standing on my porch ringing my doorbell.  But I sho gonna keep leavin dem there…just like I do your requests for money!

Drunk Aunt Randi

Aunt Randi’s hobbies are talking shit and drinking wine—preferably at the same time.


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