Drunk Aunt Randi The Word 5 minute read

Drunk Aunt Randi’s Hopes for 2019

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I always says “hopes ain’t worth much more than a dollar coupon for a $50,000 car”; but I can’t help but to be hopeful.  It’s in my constitution.  Hopes is the reason why I stayed with many a no-good man and paid for my kids to take lessons in stuff they was just no good at.  I’m too daggone old to change now so let me share my hopes for dis comin’ year.

 

  1. I hopes men stop hurting they men parts.

I don’t understand these men-folks walking around with the same tight jeans that my nieces wear.  From all I knows about male-parts (and I done seen my share), seems like to me they’d be uncomfortable – compressin’ and squeezin’ thangs and what-not.  And since I’m giving my opinion, let me say that they don’t even look that good on most men.  If they looked good, I’d understand.  Lord knows I done stuffed my feet and my hips in attire for the sake of fashion; but the, skinny jeans don’t suit most men (especially on them big boned, big butt boys).  No sir, they look bout as good and comfortable as a pig does once they’s a sausage.

 

  1. I hopes that White people Stop Calling the Police Like They is Their Private Security!

I done lived long enough to understand that White folks live under different circumstances.  We Black folks don’t call the police even when we should.  I think we be knowin we gots to handle most thangs on our own.  We don’t too much trust that the police is going to be on our side or be helpful when somethin’ goes down.

But White folks seem to call every time Black folks sneeze.  If 2018 and cell phones didn’t teach nothin else it showed the world two things I always knowed: White folks are seriously scared of us.  They see and feel danger when we are near, regardless of how we are dressed, how we are acting or where we are.  They would more so feel safe with a pit bull, a lion in the wild, or jumping off a cliff than they do around us.  Black folks have been tryin for years to legitimize ourselves to White folks: driving certain cars, wearing certain clothes, being the biggest conspicuous consumers thinkin’ that White folks would be fair with us if they could see we were educated or wealthy.  Wrong Boo boo!  When you is scared, you don’t notice the details.  Secondly, White folks think that this world is theirs.  Should we show up, hang out, or live where they don’t expect us to be or where they don’t think we should be they feel entitled to question us or to call their personal security team – the police on us.  Ain’t a damn thing we can do but to keep recording them; and hope they are shamed into better behavior.

 

  1. I hopes that none of them ever try that ish on me.

Let’s just say while they calling the police, they should go ahead and have them send an ambulance too.

  1. I hopes that restaurants stop putting the calories on a menu.

If I order ribs and onion rings, I don’t need no one telling me that I ain’t eating healthy.  If I need some food-therapy, I’ma get what I need regardless if you tell me it’s 500 calories or 5,000 calories!

  1. I hopes that this Dogs having Rights Bull-Shiggity Chills-out.

Look, I likes animals – all of ‘em; but I do believe that there is a hierarchy to some things.  My animals, like old ass Buster sitting over yonder, is a pet.  I love him.  I give him all sorts of treats and bathe him with the good shampoo; but Buster don’t need to be sitting next to me on a plane, in a restaurant or at work.  He don’t need to stay in the hotel with me and shop in stores with me.  Buster pees and poops without any regard of who’s looking or where he is.  Should I forget to take him out, his ass will pee in the middle of Nordstrom, the airport, hotel lobbies, etc.  That shit ain’t sanitary (pun intended).  Plus Buster has fur, that floats around like bubbles and gets on everything.  I don’t understand this new mess that dogs gotta go everywhere their owner goes.  Shit, I don’t even want people’s kids everywhere the parents go.  There is no freakin’ consideration paid to anyone else.  Some Black folks are as scared of dogs as White people are of Black people—maybe we should start calling the police?

Flying First Class

 

Now I hopes ya’ll ate your collards and black-eyed peas, and prayed to the Almighty if you believes.  I hope you have yo-self a good year.  Believe that you are deserving – cause you are. As long as I done lived I ain’t nevah seen nothin more beautiful or stronger than us, Black folks.  Happy New Year, Babies!  Aunt Randi is rooting for you.

 

My intention is for Black people to love themselves and each other. It sounds somewhat silly, I guess; but oftentimes my people are overwhelmed with negative images, bad news, and stereotyped characters about us. I’d like to flip that script. I’d like to remind us, as often as I can, how incredible we are. Read more

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