Before American Express was issuing the Black Card; Black folks were issuing the BLACK card.  The American Express version gives you the ability to buy unlimited things.  The BLACK card signifies that you are a member in good standing with the Black race.  Yes, it is limited, or at least it can be durational.  Folks will threaten to pull your BLACK Card at a moment’s notice.

2015 was an interesting year for the Black Card Commission (BCC): we had to consider a Presidential hopeful’s credentials and a White woman’s membership.

Let’s look at this 2015’s Black Card Winners, Losers and Honorable Mentions.

BLACK CARD LOSERS

Don Lemon

Let’s just get corny for a minute: Don is the “Lemon” of Black news anchors.  He makes you want to leave him on the side of the road and then show up on Judge Judy to demand your money back.  During the Ferguson protests, even Midwestern White newscasters were being sensitive to the already highly tense situation and managed to be respectful to those they interviewed.  They noted the mainly peaceful protests, the feelings of community and the obvious pain.  Don Lemon noticed “the obvious smell of marijuana.”  This year, he also insulted Talib Kweli, supported Bill O’Reilly’s Fox analyses of the ills plaguing Black America, defended the reporter who mixed up Samuel L. Jackson with Laurence Fishburne (seeming to agree that “we actually all do look alike”).  He later challenged the woman who claimed Bill Cosby raped her by asking her why she didn’t bite him when he asked her to perform oral sex.

Don’s card has been suspended for the 4^th year in a row.  We will consider his membership again next year.  Scratch that — his ass is out next year too.

Raven Symone

Raven’s card has been permanently rescinded.  The child told us a while ago that she wasn’t Black — didn’t want to claim any connection to Africa — as she flung her green and purple braided weave; but the Black Card Commission is very forgiving on lapses in judgment.  We understand, especially for the entertainment folks, that sometimes it may seem easier to not be Black, but we oftentimes forgive these misguided souls.  For instance, we took Michael Jackson back and supported O.J. Simpson during his trial though he had long since denounced us.  We would’ve forgiven Raven too, but then she stated how she wouldn’t hire anyone with a “Black sounding name.”  She litters her self-hate garbage throughout each interview and apparently on The View so much that even her daddy felt the need to pen a public letter asking for for us to be understanding of her tomfoolery.

Ben Carson

I grew up in Virginia at the time Ben Carson was THE surgeon at John Hopkins.  He was the most prominent Black man in our area.  Any event that got Ben Carson as the speaker instantly passed the highest of bourgeois standards.  For most of us, I think that we either forgot about Ben Carson or just assumed that he was quietly still performing surgeries.  But, then he started to run for the Republican nomination for the President of the United States and we learned that Ben Carson is a dim-witted, right wing, conservative Republican, who happens to do surgeries well.  Once he started creating stories about being a Black superhero and saving White people during the race riots and maligning all of the social programs that he benefitted from, the Commission had to put him on a long term suspension.

Side note:  Am I the only one who envisions Donald Trump, leaning on the podium during one of the debates and saying to Carson, “Look Nig#$er . . . shocking Ben back to the projects of Baltimore and giving him a good, old fashioned Wake Up Call. The scary thing is that the way Trump has been saying whatever he wants and insulting everyone–this thought isn’t beyond the realm of possibility. Sadly, his numbers could also go up.

Taye Diggs

Basically, a Black man who says his son ain’t Black is grounds for immediate ejection.  We wish the best to Taye and his Black son.

The Black Pastors Who Met with Donald Trump 

In the name of the Black Card Commission, we rebuke you!

Stacy Dash

Anytime FOX News has to suspend you; you have jumped, skipped, and hopped your ass over any line of decency.  You’ve also forfeited your BLACK Card.

The Trump TomFoolery Dancers

Two Black women who call themselves the Stump for Trump Duo will provide you with a good reason to drink some brown liquor.  It’s THAT depressing, sprinkled with a bit of funny to make you feel absolutely uncomforatable.

Black Card Honorees

In contrast, the Black Card Commission would also like to to honor the following BLACK Card Honorees who have embraced their Blackness:

Barack Obama

You know how we do the appropriate Black thing all day, put on display all our good education and raising at work, then have someone do something ignorant to us at the grocery store and turn straight gangster in 3.2 seconds?  I’m sensing that flavor from our President.  He is, in small ways, allowing his brotha-ness to show.  When he said “Folks wanna pop off,” at the International Press Conference, he sealed his BCC honor.

The Wiz

Nothing cracked me up more than the outrage about The Wiz’s all Black cast.  Did these people ever hear of the Wizard of Oz (with its all White cast)?  It’s just ironic when Black folks do something to overcome being discriminated against and some ignorant folks have the audacity to get upset about it. “We will eat all of the pig, Black folks, but give you the feet and intestines.  Next year: why the hell do the Black folks get all the pigs feet and chitlins?  That’s not fair. ” Huh?

Nikki Minaj

Nikki Minaj snapped on Miley Cyrus at the MTV awards straight sista-style.

Viola Davis

After becoming the first African-American to win an Emmy for best actress in a drama, Ms. Davis didn’t forget about the plight of her fellow actresses and said, “The only thing that separates women of color from anyone else is opportunity.” Bravo!

Johari Osayi Idusuyi

The picture says it all.

Bree Newsome

Bree Newsome made history when she scaled up the flagpole and then grabbed the controversial Confederate flag down from the South Carolina Capitol.

BLACK CARD WHITE HONOREES

The BCC also feels that it is important to acknowledge our White sisters and brothers who have been down for the cause.

J.K. Rowling

No one has given the Twitter smackdown like our White sister and creator of the Harry Potter series, than J.K.Rowling.  When some became upset that Noma Dumezweni, a Black woman, was cast to play Hermione Granger in the play Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, J.K. Rowling tweeted:

Canon: brown eyes, frizzy hair and very clever. White skin was never specified. Rowling loves black Hermione.

Also, when trolls attacked Serena Williams’ body, J.K. Rowling clapped back:

‪@jk_rowling‪ @hansmollman ironic then that main reason for her success is that she is built like a man

.‪@diegtristan8 “she is built like a man”. Yeah, my husband looks just like this in a dress. You’re an idiot. ‪

Rachel Dozenel

A controversial decision was made by the BCC to give Rachel an honorable mention.  In light of so many Black people doing their best to disassociate themselves from being Black, it’s nice to finally have someone who openly appreciates us and actually wants to be us.

BCC looks forward to seeing what 2016 will bring.  Until then, be happy, be positive and be BLACKtabulous!