After losing several close family members due to strokes and heart attacks, my friend, Leslie, primarily eats salads, unsalted nuts and seafood; does yoga and walks five miles four times per week. That is until she has a particularly stressful day. On those days, she drives to Edith’s Diner, where she and her family used to eat every Friday night and orders the special that has been the same for 16 years: catfish, grits, collard greens cooked with smoked ham hocks and a double serving of mac & cheese. She washes it all down with a large glass of sweet tea. Afterwards, Mrs. Charlotte always brings her a piece of sweet potato pie and a glass of whole milk without Leslie even needing to ask – because Mrs. Charlotte has been working at Edith’s diner and serving Leslie and her family since they started coming 16 years ago.
Edith’s is a place where not much has changed in 16 years. The menu is the same, the booths are the same thick, burgundy fake leather (with a few more cracks), there is still a working jukebox, and many of the employees are the same. When Leslie walks in, they don’t say, “Hi Leslie” they holler “June-y, hey baby!” They know her by her childhood nickname. They know HER. There – at Edith’s – she belongs.
In many ways, she’s not much different than her colleague, Mark, who goes to the same bar every day on his way home from work. He and the other regulars have chatted about various topics: from sports to divorce – almost every workday-evening for the last 5 years. All the bartenders know his name and his favorite drink. He sits on his favorite stool and unwinds with the other regulars.
Dwayne is what folks like to call a “success story.” His mom was 15 when she had him. She and his grandma raised him as best they could; but between the two of them, one’s mind was too young, and the other’s body was too old to keep him off of the streets and out of trouble when he was in high school. He rolled with the local gang. But although, he was dedicated to his “brothers” and spent a lot of time with them; he still managed to graduate from high school with a 3.56 GPA and get a scholarship to college. School was easy for him. Good college grades led to a prestigious job with a starting salary that was more than Dwayne ever thought he could make, a company car, and an apartment in the trendy part of town; yet Dwayne would find himself going back to the old neighborhood and hanging with his old and familiar crew almost every weekend. While success was supposed to make Dwayne happy, nothing made him happier than being back where he started, with the people who really knew and appreciated the real him.
Dwyane, Mark and Leslie don’t go to these places because they offer the best food, drinks, or atmosphere; but rather because they offer comfort. They’ve been going to those places for years; are welcomed when they come; and are treated as if their presence is appreciated. They belong. A sense of belonging – the feeling that your whole-self is fully accepted – is a fundamental human need. We all seek it. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to want to feel accepted—to feel like we belong. When those needs are not met, we don’t function as we were meant to. We disengage. We become numb. We ache. We hurt. We hurt others. We get sick. We flounder at work. We quit.
This isn’t mere theory or conjecture. It has been proven that the single metric that has been consistently and universally tied to a person’s workplace commitment, pride and motivation is a sense of belonging. The sense of belonging is more important to an employee’s happiness than perks such as office location, free lunch or a company car.
So, I can’t help but wonder about the Black man who goes to work every day and is the only person of color in his division; the woman who doesn’t get invited to the business round of golf; or the wheelchair bound paraplegic who people avoid at the company’s summer picnic; the millennial whose ideas are never respected. I wonder about all of us, honestly.
The actual work doesn’t seem to be the challenge for people at their jobs. Rather, the true struggle is the will to get out of bed, drive or ride to a place, and give your best efforts to an organization where you feel out-of-place.
I remain confused why organizations (from schools to companies) don’t spend more time focusing on how to create a culture of belonging. All should feel seen and respected. No one should come to work feeling as if they must mute or minimize a significant part of their being (race, culture, ableness, sexual orientation, age, gender) to succeed. It seems obvious that people will not play hard or well for a team that they don’t feel connected to– that they don’t feel a sense of belonging. Yet too many companies expect employees to flourish in a one size fits all culture and environment. Inevitably, some people will feel out of place – and for them the game is lost before it is even played.
“If EVERYONE is moving forward, success will take care of itself.” Henry Ford