The exercise I’ve historically been most proficient at is jumping . . . jumping to conclusions, to be specific.
It’s not flattering to brag; but at some points in my life, I must boast that I could jump to conclusions about a person before they even finished their first sentence. Sometimes, I could make an assessment of a person without them even saying a single word. Indeed, I was that good of a jumper.
For example, I quickly concluded that my colleague, Michael, who never gave me credit for my ideas, was sexist. His buddy, Nathaniel, who always came to our cubicle to talk to Michael but rarely acknowledged me: sexist as well. My boss who asked me when I was going to have kids: absolutely sexist.
Yep, I thought that I had my work family all figured out; and that my ability to jump to conclusions about people quickly helped me to avoid bad situations. I did my best to stay away from Michael and Nathaniel (even requesting and receiving a cubicle reassignment). When it came to my boss, of course I did the work assigned; but I didn’t engage with him socially whatsoever. I spent two years taking the long route to my desk just to avoid passing by his office.
Then one day, Nathaniel and I were paired together for one of our company’s team building exercises. He bounded to where I was sitting with a large smile on his face. The smile went unreturned. My stomach churned and my voice stayed flat as Nathaniel and I went through a series of ice-breaker questions. The more Nathaniel and I talked, I couldn’t resist laughing a few times and becoming genuinely interested in some of his stories; but I silently kept reminding myself of all the times he had ignored me, and that he was sexist.
When we were done with the exercise, Nathanial gathered his notebook, stood up and started to head back to his original seat. He had taken a couple of steps, when he looked back and said, “It was so good finally talking with you. I’ve oftentimes wanted to chat with you when I came to you and Michael’s cubicle, but I’m incredibly shy. I’ve actually suffered from mild anxiety since I was a teenager. I’ve known Michael most of my life, so it’s been nice having him here. Now that we’ve had a chance to talk, I have a new friend.”
Immediately, I felt ridiculous and guilty.
That interaction made me decide to end my career in jumping. Contrary to what jumping is supposed to do: my jumping to conclusions wasn’t getting me any higher or further. In fact, it kept me stuck in a quagmire of false assumptions, insufficient information, and stalled work relationships.
I’ve since started working harder to consider other possibilities for people’s behaviors, that people may have different perspectives and to give people multiple opportunities to show who they really are. I’ve also approached situations with a focus on openness for forgiveness and grace. For example, I eventually realized that Michael (my colleague who never gave me credit for my ideas) failed to give credit to anyone for their ideas (not just me). He wasn’t sexist; he was just rude (with which I could live). Behaviors are easier to forgive when they aren’t personal.
I also decided to have a conversation with my boss. He genuinely (albeit erroneously) didn’t understand that asking me when I planned to have kids was inappropriate. In fact, he thought he was being friendly and was trying to connect. When I explained how the question was offensive, he apologized and asked me to tell him if he ever said anything offensive again. He wanted to learn. And I wanted to learn too – and to forgive.
Being open to forgiving people – to approaching all interactions with grace – is critical for maintaining any relationship. People most assuredly will make mistakes (just as you will). Forgiveness allows all parties to learn from situations, to have more meaningful dialogue and improved working relationships, and to move positively forward (instead of jumping in the wrong direction).
How Forgiving Are You? Take the Quiz