The best I can.

That’s what I did each day to help me push through 2021.  And that’s what I plan to continue to do in 2022. 

We oftentimes hear the mantra, “always do your best” or “give it your all.”  I imagine that when people say those things, they are thinking of the Rock, or LeBron, or some other “hero” demonstrating resolve, grit, and continuing to push when it seems they had no more to give.

For me, pushing through was embedded organically.  As the product of two ambitious Black parents, the traits of working diligently, trying hard, hiding weakness, and never complaining is as much a part of who I am as my chestnut-colored eyes and love of Southern food.  Most Black folks were trained to push, to keep pushing, at the expense of our mental and physical well-being; as we came from people who endured so much more (so we dare not complain) and we owe it to the parents who raised us (and the entire Black community) to do well.

Accordingly, I had can-do spirit at the beginning of the pandemic.  I went into overdrive. I wasn’t determined to simply survive the pandemic but to see it as an opportunity to focus more, save money, make decisions more consciously, and to check overdue items off my to-do list.  I cleaned out closets, compiled my blog posts into a book, organized old, printed pictures, took on extra consulting work, and so on.  During Zoom calls my friends and I chatted about how thankful we were for the life pause; we congratulated ourselves on the lessons we had learned – the growth we had experienced and shamelessly judged those who hadn’t seemed to at least reflect during the period.

Then life does what it has done to people since the start of time: it humbled me.  Nothing like life will sit cho ass down and shut your all-knowing mouth up.  In time, I got sick of trying so hard to pretend that life wasn’t hard.  Over time, my mental state has affected my physical state; and I have experienced fatigue as I never have before.  I haven’t slept more; I’ve just wanted to be still more. I’ve been called a lot of things over the years, but lazy has never been one of them.  I’m lazy now (not constantly, but regularly).

I used to feel so incredibly guilty about it.  As a matter of fact, when I would hear someone in my home walking in my room, I’d jump up and busy myself with something: folding the clothes that had been lumped in the basket days ago, reorganizing books on a shelf, opening the laptop.  I was the type of mother who would wake up my boys just because I was annoyed by kids who could sleep the day away. How could I let them catch me watching Living Single reruns on a Tuesday afternoon?

In time, I have learned how.  As a matter of fact, I’ll ask them to bring me a bag of chips or a glass of wine sometimes.  Some days, the best I can do is watch a good movie with my kids, discover new creators on TikTok, put clothes that I will never buy in virtual online shopping baskets, daydream about new travel destinations, or talk to my girlfriends on the phone for a couple of hours

Yep.

Finally, I learned what has been my most powerful lesson: it’s okay to not be okay; it’s okay to put boundaries around what you do and what you give to others; it’s okay if all you accomplish some days is just to get through it.  Grant yourself some grace.  The last couple of years will be in history books.  You may not win employee of the month every day; cook well-rounded meals; or have everything in the house in its proper place.  It may not be the best you can do; but I believe that sometimes the best you can do for yourself is to simply do what you can do – and to understand that it’s enough.