*The author of this article knows that dragging is wrong. What happened to Dr. Dao is wrong. It is satirical (kinda). If you take yourself very seriously, please do not read any further.
- The Novice
I realize that they upset a lot of people; but I oftentimes feel sorry for the TSA people. Are we that dumb America? Did you really think that you could bring your pocket knife on a plane? Have you not heard that you can’t bring liquids through security? Regardless if you think its stupid: jackets and shoes come OFF. You acting a fool about it ain’t gonna change the law–at least not today. When you put your bags up, move out of the aisle. Most of us know the basic rules of road travel. Can’t we finally all learn them with air travel and stop causing these unnecessary slow-downs?
- The 5-Star Hotel Diva
Why do you pack a bag that you can’t lift and then look at the flight attendants or other passengers as if they are your personal bell-hops? This ain’t the Ritz, Boo. And while we are talking, the choices are juice, soda or coffee. This is not the time or place to accommodate your specialized request for half-Sprite, half-sparkling water, with a twist of fresh lime. And sorry, you don’t get a pillow and blanket in Economy. Regular folks like us bring our “stuff” with us: pillows, special snacks, etc.
- The Nasty MF
You can be nasty as you wanna be; but only at yo’ own damn house. When we are in such close quarters, I’ma need some of you nasty mofos to pull yourselves together. If your feet stank, you don’t have the luxury of taking off your shoes. You call it discrimination; your seat mates call it survival. If you are sick, bring your tissues and other necessary supplies. Lastly, wash yo’ damn hands. Some of ya’ll roll out that bathroom mighty fast.
- Lazy –Ass Parents
Guess what—they are YOUR kids. And you ain’t on vacation yet. As a matter of fact, you are on special assignment. You’ve got to get your butt on that plane fully prepared with the equipment and the energy to do whatever is necessary to try to keep your child from being a nuisance to everyone else on the plane. YOU chose to bring YOUR kids – not us – so YOU need to manage them. *I have flown with my kids since they were infants. I’ve walked on that planes with everything, but a life-sized Big Bird to ensure minimal meltdowns.
- The Space Invader
You bought one seat — just one. Keep your feet on your side, keep the arm rest down, and don’t lean on me. Stay in yo’ space.
- The Cutter
When the flight staff calls “Boarding Group 2” that means sit yo’ ass down and keep your butt out of the way if you are Boarding Group 5 (and it definitely does not mean “come on up.”). When the plane lands, if you aren’t in the first half of the plane, keep your ass seated.
- Fake Ass Dr. Doolittle
Suddenly, everybody has an anxiety issue and must fly with their pets? Everybody? I’m calling bullshit.
- The Socialite
Being friendly is nice. Greet and exchange a few pleasantries, but then move on. The best part about being on the plane sometimes is that I get a break from talking (and that’s talking with people that I know and like – I certainly don’t want that peace interrupted with a three-hour conversation with you).
- The Fiddler
Whatever the hell is wrong with you that you have to keep hitting the back of my seat, playing with your tray table, and fiddling with everything. You seem agitated. There is medication for it. Get some.
- The Partier
You don’t get to live your nightlife dreams at the expense of us. Nobody wants to hear your music. Three drinks are more than enough, and we don’t need to see you dance moves, fist bumps or gratuitous high-fives. We ain’t turning up when we are flying the commercial-airline skies. When you get on your private plane, do your thang—until then, the rest of us are going to need you to chill.
Perhaps if we all become a little bit more considerate of others, the friendly skies can become friendly again.