It will happen.  It has almost certainly happened to you already, and will happen again.  You will be at an establishment (hotel, restaurant, etc.) and someone will treat you in a way that will make you feel some kind of way.  When that happens, here are some steps that you can take to best manage the situation:

1. Check yourself

If you regularly beat a dog; he will flinch at a raised hand.  Certain groups receive worse treatment than others, so it is understandable that we “flinch” more quickly.  But before you assume that someone is discriminating against you based on your race, gender, sexual orientation, age or religion, take a pause to ensure your feelings aren’t being driven by historical baggage as opposed to the experience itself.  Some people are jerks on an equal opportunity basis.  It never feels good to be treated poorly, but the intention matters.  Also, false claims create deaf ears.

2. Ask questions

To accurately determine what transpired – and what drove the interaction – ask questions.  Years ago, my family and I went to brunch at a small restaurant. They requested that my party pay in-advance for the breakfast buffet. I was immediately pissed off and suspicious since we were an all-Black party in a White neighborhood. My knee-jerk response was to go-off; but I first asked the host was this customary; and he verified that it was and provided an explanation. After seated, I asked other patrons if they paid for their food in advance and they all had.  While, the restaurant’s policy is a poor one; it isn’t a racist one.

3. Let the person know that you think you are being treated unfairly

Once you have determined that you are being treated poorly because of you race or other characteristic; let the person know that you are being treated unfairly.  Do not immediately use words like racist, sexist, etc. because they stop conversations. The accused immediately begin to defend themselves; and any productive conversation, help, or meaningful effort to change the behavior have ceased.  Getting resolution will now be more challenging. Remember your goal is to fix the experience for yourself and future guests – not to label or call names.

4. Listen to the response and note specifics

While you may want to go off and scream about the assault, it’s best to listen to the other person. You may learn that you have made a mistake.  But, you may definitely get admissions or other information that support your position.  It will also show that you are serious about a resolution and committed to handling the matter in a professional way. Take notes shortly after the conversation on the specifics (names, dates, times, what was said, etc.).

5. Calmly reassert how you feel

After you have listened, if the matter remains unresolved state again that you feel as if you are being treated unfairly.  Let them know that there response thus far has been unsatisfactory and that you intend to continue to pursue it with their supervisor and/or upper management.

6. Escalate.

Ask to speak to the next level of management.

7. Know what you want

Before you speak to the next person, quickly assess what solution would make you feel satisfied.  Oftentimes, we get so lost in our anger that “telling the person off” is the only result we achieve.  Think about what remedies (apologies, action items, compensation, etc.) will satisfactorily address the discriminatory act.  Be specific in what goals you want to achieve.

8. Repeat steps 2-5 when you escalate  — and continue to escalate as necessary. 

Keep escalating as much as necessary.  Get names, telephone numbers, email addresses.  Google information if you need to. Don’t hesitate to confirm with the people with whom you are talking that you have the right information for the higher authorities since they cannot be helpful.

9. Remember that you are handling a business situation; not a personal one.

It is so hurtful when you are treated poorly because of your race, gender, religion or other trait.  It is depressing when despite your accomplishments, dress, behavior, money, etc. someone treats you with a lack of respect.  It is personal for you.  BUT, you must conduct yourself in the way and in the language to get the treatment you are deserving of or to get the solution you want: business. The business does not care about your feelings; they don’t care when you loudly scream at them (they are at most annoyed and most likely feel as if you are fulfilling the negative thoughts they had about you initially).  You’ve got to show them that your dissatisfaction with their conduct isn’t a smart business decision for the one person involved the organization.

10. If there is still no satisfactory resolution at the local level, resort to social media, review sites, write letters, and escalate to corporate

So, if the business person is not being responsive, go to your social media to tell the story and tag the business. Tweet the organization. Write reviews on yelp, trip advisor, etc.  The public now makes money decisions based on the a company’s reviews.  They can easily forget your tantrum in the middle of their building. They can’t ignore shared stories or reviews that thousands of companies and potential guests will see. 

11. Know that you matter and the customers like you matter

While many talk about privilege; we need to start focusing on the opposite: unworthiness.  Many minorities feel a restricted sense of deserving.  We almost feel grateful for being in nice places; although we are spending our money.  We don’t complain about poor service because we don’t want to seem whiny, ghetto, difficult or weak; or we don’t want to ruin our time.  Or we only complain while we are on property and then quickly let the issue go. Frankly, I think businesses take advantage of this dynamic so certain groups get better service because they expect it and the businesses know that there could be repercussions if they don’t deliver it.  You belong. You matter and your money matters.  It is absolutely acceptable (and actual beneficial to you and those future customers who are like you) to help any business understand that you are worthy of respectful treatment.