Today’s post is from guest author KWILEY. Beatnik24 welcomes guest writers, if you’re interested please check out our submission guidelines and get in touch.
Them: “Girl,what are you going to do now that the kids are gone? You are going to be lost.”
Me:”Nah, trust I have a plan”(wink)
-May 2017
These days I often chuckle to myself.It seems some of my friends and family think I have lost my mind.That I am experiencing some sort of “midlife crisis” “loss of identity” having a “who am I?” moment. I swear I am not. I am right where I want to be, where I PLANNED to be, where I told y’all I would be 3 years ago.
I am beginning to both …wander and wonder!
To wander by definition means—to walk or move in a leisurely,casual way. To wonder is to be curious about something, someone filled with admiration and awe. I am doing both.
20 years ago, my husband and I ,after our son was born prematurely and experienced complications ,as we realized daycare for him as an infant was not going to be a viable option,we sat down and made the decision for me to be a stay at home mom. We made the decision after careful consideration,of what that would mean and look like at that moment AND when the kids were gone.We actually wrote out a year, 5 year, 10 year, and 20 year plan. Something we still do and review as often as necessary for adjustments. (We are both virgo/planners/over thinkers (shrug).We fully accepted ALL that would come with that decision and dove into it , focused and ready to be all in everyday until they went off to college!
And I was! I proudly say I missed nothing,sometimes surprising myself with my uncanny ability to be in two places at supposedly the same time. I loved it! I thrived on seeing my babies growing and in their elements! While sometimes challenging, I can honestly say I enjoyed not missing a moment. Enjoyed being known by their friends as “Malik and Maya’s mom” for me, at that moment, Malik and Maya were most important, I could wait.I gave motherhood my all, knowing one day it would be my job to back up and let my two little birds fly. I buckled in for the ride, enjoying seeing them grow up and quietly planning for “after”.
I now am the mother of two young adults who have turned out to be some of my favorite people. I raised good kids, not perfect,but good solid kids who are independent,kind,smart and socially conscious. And now my “after” is here, and the changes I am making are causing some to think I am losing/have lost my mind(lol). But that’s because they didn’t know or chose not to believe when I said, “Trust, I have a plan. According to Psychology Today, “Whether or not we are granted a fresh start every year, the world is set up so that we believe it’s possible.” In reality, every day is a “new start,” but this start is not only starting a new thing, but letting go of a lot of different aspects of our lives. It involves letting go of routines and relationships as well.Wanderers may have an incredible amount of self-awareness and understanding as compared to those who tend to stay in one place for too long and become “comfortable.”
After years of schedules,routines and well thought out plans,over thinking and over analyzing I am proud to announce I have accepted my new position as a Wanderer/Wonderer! What does that mean? It means I am at a point in my life where I am allowing myself time to explore, to reflect, to learn new things, to be in my moments and not just check them off a to do list. To do everything or absolutely nothing without being self criticizing about it. To be adventurous, come out of my comfort zone, to live outside of my old “normal”. To answer some of the questions I have wandered about both minor and major like “Can I live without getting my hair relaxed and cut short?” or “Can I start a charity providing toiletries to homeless shelter for women and children?” the answer is YES to both of these,some of the things I always wanted to try to do but just attempted in the last year.
This is me now, and I like it. The most important thing I have learned in the last year is that…”Self care, is not selfish”. I don’t claim to have all the answers or even all the questions ,nor do I want to, finding them is part of my plan,my journey.These days are slower,quieter,less hectic and while I sometimes miss the “rugrats” as I call them I am enjoying my “after”. I may be wandering/wondering y’all , but trust me, I am damn sure not “lost.”
