Growing up I wanted nothing to do with marriage and kids. Based on the unhappy lives I saw in most of the married women I knew, and the discontent I saw in the happily married ones, I thought these were not the best choices for women. Especially if, like me, one wanted a life of one’s own.

Then I went to college and met a man I thought had the same values as me: fidelity, family, hard work, integrity, and creating the best life for each of us as well as together. I promptly fell in love and dove right in. I was confident this was it, and that we could, and would, work out any issue that arose between us over our time together.

25 years later it turned out we couldn’t. I found myself officially single with 3 kids, navigating all the same unhappinesses I’d seen in my early life and which I’d steadfastly planned on avoiding.

I felt sad, depressed, unhappy to the zillionth degree. If I had gone so, so wrong on my choice of life partner, how could I trust myself to find happiness again?

Through copious amounts of therapy and practicing my Unity faith, I realized happiness is nothing more than a choice which can be, and has to be, selected daily.

With this in mind, I started off my happiness quest slowly. Choosing to delight in my kids’ laughter instead of being aggravated by their unnecessary noisiness at especially difficult times, turning to a good book at bedtime instead of missing pillow talk, enjoying moving my body with a walk or run, eating solo at a dream restaurant instead of waiting for a date night to go. Knowing if I thought I might feel awkward dining alone, I could bring along that good book and ask the maître d’ for a well-lit spot.

I traveled solo, but also made getaways with girlfriends. I started to not question myself and my choices so much, to just work on finding delight in me again.

Eventually, I was happy enough to be able to ask myself some tough questions. Who was I without the institution which had greatly defined me for almost all my adult life to date? Who was I without the man I once loved by my side? Was I a failure because I had let go of the important dreams I’d had as a young adult in order to pursue something else?

No, I wasn’t a failure. I was still me. In Unity there are no wrong paths, just different ones. Life infinitely improves each time I remember I believe this. It also removes self judgement. I have the same core values still, and I like them. I’d just never wanted to compromise them as that would have been lessening myself. No situation is worth that devaluation.

I am tenacious, determined and not afraid of hard work to back it up. So I dusted the cobwebs off my dreams, saw which ones still winked at me, started working on them, and ditched those which didn’t fit me anymore.

I saw that I alone can, and should, define me and my definition of success. Sure I’d thrown my all into something which ended, but I am richer and happier for having done it. I have my kids, plus some great memories and experiences. That ending also forced me to contemplate how I wanted to begin again and how I want to proceed. That is a win in my book, as are all acts of mindfulness.

I still have moments of doubt, when I feel old, unaccomplished, and wonder who would want to be my partner even though I see I can be perfectly happy without one. Some version of these questions come up every single day. I think it all boils down to me questioning if I am “enough” solo, or with a resume of “just a mother”.

That’s when I think about my courage to step away from something I desperately wanted to work, the hope I’ve found in revisiting my dreams and setting new goals, the satisfaction of asking myself what my best life looks like and going for it. I, by myself, not my actions, my successes or failures, am enough. This knowledge makes me secure and pushes me forward.

Life is a constantly evolving journey. There will be fear and doubt along the way. True happiness lies in my ability to come right up to that fear and doubt, and to make a choice while not being wedded to the outcome because I know I can change my mind if the path I’m on stops leading me where I want to go. My happiness requires only that I choose to be so, and that I keep on going, which I fully intend to.