All You See I Owe To Pasta (and wine, bread, cheese and the daily cake too)

The last twelve months of my life have brought tremendous celebrations. It also brought challenges, one of which was an early diagnosis of a grave health concern.
As a result of that challenge, I found myself monitoring more closely than ever before every morsel of food I ate and every ounce of liquid I drank. Even my exercise routine was designed to optimize my health. To mark all the milestones, both the best (graduations from college and high school) and the worst (surviving what easily could have been life threatening), I decided to travel continuously for nine weeks this summer.

It also brought challenges, one of which was an early diagnosis of a grave health concern. As a result of that challenge, I found myself monitoring more closely than ever before every morsel of food I ate and every ounce of liquid I drank. Even my exercise routine was designed to optimize my health. To mark all the milestones, both the best (graduations from college and high school) and the worst (surviving what easily could have been life threatening), I decided to travel continuously for nine weeks this summer.

I did not want to travel with lots of pre-packaged food and the many vitamins and minerals I’ve used to restore my well-being. I wanted to carry only the most important things so as to not regress. And since I’d be staying in many different places, I also wanted to figure out how to keep moving my body in all the ways which bring me peace, joy, physical, and most important of all, mental health.

After talking with my doctor (a must before starting or changing anything health related), we narrowed supplements down to the least amount possible to keep me on track. Fish oil, a multivitamin, a wheat germ supplement, probiotics, plus magnesium and melatonin for sleep as I — like many other women my age — often have insomnia or difficulty with this very important body and wellness function.

She also gave me an eating list, good especially for maintaining my gut health — vegetables, wheat-free, dairy-free, quality protein, no refined sugar or much sugar at all, including white wine which I enjoy. In theory this was all fine and doable, except I was headed to Europe with a lot of time in Italy in particular: that Parmesan, pasta, white wine and tiramisu heaven. I wanted to stay healthy I realized, but did not want to feel deprived.

So my doctor and I came to a different decision we both could live with. I’d use the food list as much as possible, but I also was simply going to make the best choices in all situations rather than get bogged down by and become unhappy with the strict adherence I’d been practicing the last several months. To myself, I committed to moving somehow every day. I’d count using my own feet only in airports instead of moving walkways, plus taking stairs anywhere I could instead of elevators and escalators. I’d count swimming (which is what I call my dog-paddling effort), and dancing all night, or just dancing period. With a bit of research and planning ahead I arranged for personal trainers at certain locations. Those workouts would keep my muscles in shape and also de-kink my neck, back and shoulders from all the plane, train and car rides and sleeping in beds to which my body was unaccustomed.

Here’s what happened. I gained weight. That’s where my body likes to go. So more frequent, even if modest, intake of wine, pasta, bread, cheese and dessert (gluten-free, whole grain, low sugar or not) added pounds. How many? I have no idea because I did not get on the scale. That was not the plan. The plan was to go about the business of living and celebrating life. But I am not blind either. The mirror reflected a fuller face, the fit of my clothes a fuller body.

What I also saw in the mirror was happiness. And that somehow, despite the extra pounds, I felt lighter. To paraphrase Toni Morrison, I’d surrendered to myself and was riding the air. For once, I wasn’t yet worried about how and when I’d get any extra pounds off. I was actually enjoying me and how I felt, body and soul, thinking I liked what the mirror showed. I realized I was thriving because I’d been feeding and caring for all of me, no restrictions on any parts. I noticed I was carrying myself differently too. My walk had become softer, slower, bouncier, rounder, the true rhythm of me, a reggae-meets-EDM kind of stride: a mash-up of all the best parts of me. I was walking the way the dance version of Bob Marley’s “Sun Is Shining” makes me feel.

One night, at a restaurant in Berlin, at the end of my travels, when I was again beginning to think about how I’d need to be getting back to “normal” soon, my server was from southern Brazil. As could be expected of southern Brazilians she looked German — a broader, bigger version of Gisele Bundchen — with short-cut, tawny blond hair, blue eyes and fair skin. Her English was German accented. But each time she walked away from or back to my table it was pure Brazil in the sway of her hips and swing of her arms. She was a bossa nova going and coming. I have not been watching myself walk to or from anywhere, but she was so inspiring that I thought, maybe I should find a way to do so, to see and absorb that outer reflection of how I was feeling. And possibly, instead of seeing myself in vacation mode with a need to get back to normal, I could accept year-round that I simply felt good and happy and nourished exactly the way I was, even if that included a few extra pounds. Could I do it? Be my own song, be happy that in my life the “sun [was indeed] shining and the weather [was very] sweet?” as Bob Marley sang?

I wasn’t sure. Already I knew all the things I’d be giving up in a few days. Back home there wouldn’t be wine and pasta all the time and especially no more “daily cake” as listed on all the Croatian menus I perused during my time in Dubrovnik, Mali Ston and Split, and which I always ordered. I would be back to Pilates on the regular and running too because there’s a half-marathon I want to do. Pounds would decrease, but what else might unwittingly decrease? The reggae downbeat of my hips, the un-hurriedness of my steps? That, I did not want.

So, unlike other times I’d been heavier and rushed to be back at some “magic” number on my scale, I consciously decided that night that for good this time, I had no intention of decreasing or letting go of that feeling I’d gained throughout the summer — of lightness, of absolute ease with and in my body and mindset. From there on out, I was simply going to be who I was, regardless of the scale. I’d wanted to be like this before, but had not because in America that is not the message I see on any regular basis. Being plumper before often felt to me as if I had somehow lost control. I don’t believe this at all intellectually, but the emotional perception still caused me to question myself and brought me pain from time to time because who ever likes to feel that they’ve lost control?

Meanwhile, from the moment I’ve known myself, my body is like the island I come from. Lush, and it likes to be that way. Growing up in Jamaica did make me more body positive in general. However, couple my curvy figure with being on the normal end, appearance-wise, of an age range which seems to be invisible to most advertisers and designers (unless you are J-Lo or such and the rest of us are not because we are, after all, ourselves), and it can be difficult to not feel past one’s prime, to not feel, well, just overweight and invisible, no matter what song is playing or what rhythm we actually hear in our heads.

What this summer and surviving my disease finally have taught me though, is to appreciate me, to love where I have been, where I am now and where I’m going, extra weight, less weight or more lines on the face. Beauty cannot be measured by the lack of wrinkles or the absence of pounds. I now see beauty because I have become visible; to myself first and foremost. On top of that, I am healthy (my doctor said so upon my return check-up). My diet will always be optimal for my health, but that doesn’t have to mean strict to where I feel deprived. I am also here on this earth and grateful for it. I am loved, by me, and also by my friends and family and that makes me happy. What else is there? Nothing that less pounds or the pressure to be thinner with no wrinkles can or will add to.

Here’s to this summer then, to daily cake and to the enduring lightness they both have brought me.