Ya’ll Best Get the Lesson

I distinctly remember thinking, “why is everybody acting as if the world still has the pull of gravity; as if it hasn’t been irrevocably and dramatically altered?”.  I wanted to scream at the people who stood at the bus stop, shifting back-and-forth from one foot to the other to try to get warm in the freezing February temperatures, “how dare you act as if today is just a regular day!  How dare you wait for the bus, pay your bus fare, sit in your standard seat, and go to work when I don’t know how to put one foot in front of the other.  I don’t know how to function.  The center of my world – my gravity – is gone.  My mother is gone!”

I hated watching the news.  I hated talking to my friends.  The news talked about what was happening in the world currently; and my friends talked about what was happening in their lives currently. My focus was only on what had happened in my life. I was angry that they talked and acted as if life goes on.

In time, I realized the big lesson. It does. Life goes on – with or without us. In some ways, it’s a good thing.  Life doesn’t allow us to brine in our sadness, as we are inclined to do sometimes.  The kids still expect you to drive them to school and applaud the A+ on their math exam. Emails still need to be returned; bills need to be paid; your cousin is still getting married in 2 weeks.  You still must function.

In some ways, it’s a humbling thing.  As remarkable of a person as you are, when you are gone, life is going to go on. Kobe, one of the best basketball players to play in the NBA, a man who gave so much to the sport, died tragically; and on the same day the NBA kept doing what the NBA does.  The players played, many fans watched, beer was consumed.  Sure, there were tributes, moments of silence, and the like to honor Kobe; but the business of the NBA didn’t stop even for a day. Life went on.

This understanding – that when you are gone, life still goes on — changed things for me dramatically.  The lessons found in that one realization have completely dictated the way I live my life.

Lesson 1 – Stop Being such a People Pleaser

When you die, there will be a handful of people, if you are blessed, whom are irrevocably, dramatically, and eternally affected by your death. Yes, there will be those who think of you at special occasions, many who will cry at your funeral, but there will only be a few who will forever and consistently be changed and impacted by losing you.  Those are your people.  Those are the people with whom you should spend the most time and for whom you should make the largest sacrifices. If I have a choice between a fabulous party with some general acquaintances – or a night in my pajamas watching a bad movie with a true friend – it’ll be pajamas every time.  I watch people sacrificing so much of their time, doing things that they don’t like, to impress or please people who would miss their funeral in a heartbeat if it conflicted with another event.

Lesson 2 – Show Your Love & Appreciation

Tell and show your loved ones how you feel – consistently. If there is any area of your life where you should go ridiculously overboard – it’s here – in the love department. Start with yourself- yes, Boo, be indulgent with loving yourself. You will then be prepared to radiate love to those who are deserving. Call that teacher, mentor or friend and tell them how much you appreciate them. Smile at your work-bestie throughout her entire presentation so she knows how supported she is. Text that friend you only see every 2 years to let her know that you are thinking about her. Reach out to that person with whom you fell out eons ago – so long ago that you can’t even remember why. I want to know that when I transition, everybody who is or was in my life knew that they were special to me. Don’t you?

Lesson 3 – Live…

Following tragic deaths of hugely popular people, such as Kobe Bryant, everyone gets on the “one life” bandwagon; then life goes on for them – in the same manner it has for years. Memories fade, monotony breeds numbness and we stay in unsatisfying situations.

We stick to what is safe. But, pushing back things that you want to do because you believe you have time to do them is the most dangerous game one can play. There is nothing safe about betting on how much time you have left.

We also stick to doing what we believe will escape judgment. You will be judged regardless of what choices you make.  Those whom are going to judge you will do so whether you say yes or no, turn right or left, or go up or down (none of us can name one person – even the most famous – who wasn’t judged in life and even death).  Why do you care what other folks think anyway? If they are judging you; they aren’t your people, so it shouldn’t matter what they think or say. Remember most of those people whom you are trying to impress or please, probably don’t know your birthday, your mama’s name, or who you truly are at your core.  Let them go! Free yourself to live as your spirit directs you to live.

Additionally, the people in this world who have made the greatest positive impact in this world are also those who were frequently judged during their lives. Life rewards those who live it – bravely.

What the hell are you waiting for…permission?  Go.  Live.  Now!

Unquestionably, I’ve changed so much since that period when I was cursing the world for ‘going on.’ For awhile I was bitter; but in time I became better. I live life far more abundantly, boldly and authentically because death schooled me early on the magnificance of life.

Death should remind us that we’ve been granted most precious possible gift — LIFE. We should honor and cherish it. It is fragile; and it will be taken from us. The greatest respect that you can pay to those whom you’ve lost is to live your best life. Learn from Kobe, Prince, those whom you personally knew and loved, and others who transitioned before we were ready to say ‘goodbye’.  Live –as they did.  Live as if they mattered.  Live as if you matter…cause you do…